(Originally published September 2, 2018 on peterndudar.wordpress.com)
Sing this to the tune of “Royals” by Lorde, and you’ll totally get what it’s like to be a writer.
I’ve never seen an author so depressed.
I cut my teeth on Stephen King books and movies.
And I worked so hard to find success,
Here on Amazon, Bestseller Envy!
But every story’s like Boring/Hackneyed/Dull and Soporific,
Lacking Substance/Lame and So Pathetic
We don’t care…We’re winning Shirley Jacksons in our dreams.
But every page has got ink stains/typos/underlines and dog ears,
plot holes/adverbs/ lousy grammar/dried tears
We don’t care–we aren’t caught up in our own despair!
And we’ll never be famous (famous)
It’s a bummer, I’ll admit/nobody really gives a shit/why the hell don’t we just quit?
If I could only write smoother (smoother), get myself some dignity,
Then baby, I’d rule/I’d rule/I’d rule/I’d rule…Let me live that fantasy.
My friends and I, we’ve cracked the code,
We trade our dollars and our books out of pity.
And everyone who knows us knows/we’re all decent guys…but our writing’s shitty!
But every story’s like Boring/Hackneyed/Dull and Soporific,
Lacking Substance/Lame and So Pathetic
We don’t care…We’re winning Shirley Jacksons in our dreams.
But every page has got ink stains/typos/underlines and dog ears,
plot holes/adverbs/ lousy grammar/dried tears
We don’t care–we aren’t caught up in our own despair!
And we’ll never be famous (famous)
It’s a bummer, I’ll admit/nobody really gives a shit/why the hell don’t we just quit?
If I could only write smoother (smoother), get myself some dignity,
Then baby, I’d rule/I’d rule/I’d rule/I’d rule…Let me live that fantasy.
Oh-oh-oh…Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…
And we’re in love with indie press…the only ones who print our mess!
Oh-oh-oh…Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh…
Alcohol is always there…we aren’t caught up in our own despair!
And we’ll never be famous (famous)
It’s a bummer, I’ll admit/nobody really gives a shit/why the hell don’t we just quit?
If I could only write smoother (smoother), get myself some dignity,
Then baby, I’d rule/I’d rule/I’d rule/I’d rule…Let me live that fantasy.